I originally wrote this in 2016 but decided not to post after being advised to wait a few days so that I’d have a “clear head”. Even though I decided not to post this when it was originally written, seeing the draft of this reminded me that it is important to share all aspects of my journey in hopes that others can learn from my strengths and avoid my pitfalls. I purposely decided not to change the tense of the text – I want the reader to read this as it was written: out of frustration.
Recently, a friend of mine shared an article on The Atlantic about why Ph.D students quit their studies. I read it and nodded in agreement as there were many points that made sense and somewhat resonated with my own personal journey (I’m still here though!). What I didn’t realize was how timely reading this article would be for yet another example in my life of how intimidation could lead to resentment and disengagement.
It is the last week of class. I decided to have a conversation with my professor about an assignment I submitted and received feedback that indicated I would receive poor marks on the assignment. It has seemed as though other classmates have made poor attempts on previous assignments and were allowed some sort of grace or resubmission after feedback as said professor would tell them “it’s about making sure you learn how to do it correctly”. So I figured having a conversation with this professor would be worth a shot. I didn’t have high expectations given that there was literally no time left in the semester – however nothing ventured nothing gained.
During this conversation I was told that there was simply no time left for me to make or do anything extra to compensate for the assignment – which was fine (remember I was shooting for the moon hoping to land on a star). What I didn’t expect to come out during this conversation was that said professor then said to me “without a doubt your grade is lower than that of your other teammates”. I was shocked. I was confused as to how that even came out. I felt that I was having a conversation in which my words were being twisted and the professor’s interpretation of what I was actually saying was in vain because my point never seemed to get across. However, I should find comfort that because I tried I would receive the lowest grade they would assign to someone who hasn’t performed to their level of expectations. I left class floored and repulsed. And I then thought about the article my friend sent me.
“The culture of Ph.D. programs can make some students snap, according to Karen Kelsky, a former tenured professor and academic career coach. In fact, she said in an email, ‘it isn’t usually a snap so much as a gradual disintegration.’ Ph.D. programs are extremely lonely and based on a culture of critique rather than support in which professors and peers constantly look for weaknesses in the doctoral student’s arguments, she said.”
This incident was just one of many I’ve encountered over the course of this semester. The others I have shrugged off in order to maintain composure and continue to be open to learning. However, according to a peer who I talked to after this most recent incident, I didn’t mask my growing disinterest in the course well as they noticed a decrease in my participation as the semester progressed. I participated enough to “get the grade”, which, as a PhD student, this is completely against everything that we’ve been taught in my department. I took the class because it was a requirement. I began to actually like the class because it definitely had a more upbeat feel than to be expected for a course that took place on that day of the week and time. I completely shut down because of the unwelcoming environment slowly created as the semester progressed.
I’ve attempted to address this professor before in the calmest and most respectful manner regarding remarks that have been given earlier in the semester although it felt as if I was talking to a brick wall. It was as if they had already made up their mind regarding their perceptions of me and that wasn’t going to change regardless of what I said or any evidence I could provide to support my argument. Which sucks. As a person who has been in graduate school for almost four years (I have a Masters by the way), if there is anything that I have learned is that most professors look at graduate students as future colleagues. We are treated as equals with the clear indication that there is much we have to learn but we’ll get there with hard work and dedication. But yet with this professor I felt like I was back at one of my former institutions facing that one professor who seemed to have an agenda that didn’t have my best interest in mind.
I’m not discouraged. I refuse to be. If anything, this experience has reminded me of one the reasons why I decided to pursue a career in academia. But what I hope for in the future is that when students (undergrad or graduate) express concerns about difficulty with a faculty member, their concerns are listened to, assessed with corroborating evidence, and advocated for versus explaining away the actions of that faculty member. We cannot expect the “dog eats dog”, “only the strong survive”, culture of academia to change if we are not willing to stand up to those who are resistant to this change happening.